Dear Friends - below is an update

I am in great, great pain today { From the muscle disease I have } and the only thing I can do is cry...I don't care so much if the pain goes  away but that; " I would be gracious in the pain" is the prayer.  

I have been through so much pain medicine they cannot get anything to work  for long and also does  not have side effects, and at times the pain is so so intense, my teeth and gums hurt from clenching.

I heard a song today, and some of the words said,

    "We didn't count on suffering,

    We didn't count on the pain

    But if the  blessings in the valley..."-

The words took me back, interrupted what I had been thinking on and arrested my attention; it was enough to cause the "Dam" to break and the tears and {"snot, flying everywhere...not that you needed to know that part- lol  I have to keep it "light" somehow } just flooded and flooded as I cried for a good three or four hours, broken... but wanting somehow that God could redeem this and that someone  sometime, somewhere may benefit from this ordeal. Though I honestly can't see how or who, and even how God would use me to comfort someone else, even the thought that God might, seems such a foreign concept to even think to ask Him - that He would use me, somehow seems so repulsive.

I think at times it is too much to see how my children and Cindee can benefit, such is my own despair at my own frail and sinful responses on occasions...but they are such jewels and treasures to me, words cannot explain how much I admire them from afar. Watching their responses, and kindness's and consideration consistently. My short term memory loss, which has been alarming to me in the last two weeks as indicated in someone coming to see me...I knew them...could not remember their name...in the conversation they told me... when they left I could not say goodbye to them- as my mind had gone blank- again...no recollection. Cindee said I am just seeing what they have been seen.

Why share this? For pity? Naw... just that you in mercy, might remember them in prayer. {And please don't mention it to them that I have shared this.}

For ones so young...they are so grown up in so many ways.... John Keith has been so, so tender to me, not his words - for he is not a man of many, but when he said "it's ok dad..." they mean so much. I should be comforting him, but he at the tender age of 16 at times has assumed the mantle of "the man of the house" and he is the one who comforts and assured me," its o'k" His silent,  and at times wordless love is so strong and I find myself being reassured at times. " it really is 'o'k'" simply because he has assured me.  It is hard to write to think of him and write and not feel the tears roll down my face. Thank God for him. He is so, so precious to me. When I “grow up. I want to be like him! ”What admiration I have for the one I call,,"the gentle Giant.”

I don't know what valley God is choosing for me- But I know He is good, when at times all around me would suggest otherwise. Even those taunts can not remain for He always, , always, brings me back to truth, to Himself. His Word, though unable to read for weeks, comes forth from my heart and to my mind it speaks and answers taunts and thoughts that would molest and malign Him and my being in Him.

It was CH Spurgeon who once said "Cram your head full," with the Scripture. Indeed, when you can read and re read and meditate in those "summer months" store the treasures and food for the soul up, for such a time as this. When the "winter"  storms come and the bleak winters and dark skies overshadow the soul and life is a little difficult ,it is then from the "storehouse" His Blessed and so kind Spirit can feed you, be it milk or solid food that you need. For He knows your condition, and what you can take. Not so much am I in the Scripture, but thanking Him His Scripture is in me and speaks to me in these turbulent days, weeks, months...that God IS good - is my message.

Then Lord help me not to waste the blessing that it would be a blessing to someone else because He has placed me here...for it is here in the valley He will come, and meet with me- what a glorious thought-

"BUT GOD..."; A Happy ending..!  

 What a wonderful thing in the darkest part of the night- the disciples experienced a "But God..." moment when He came to them and conquered winds and waves and the waters were but His stepping stones...and then He came , "But God..." and though we all love the "get out of jail card " ...there is another wonderful "But God..." that does not look like such a "happy" ending...in Hebrews 11:36;-

 " Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground." - Doesn't seem too victorious to me!, If anything  it begs the question "where was God?".... "where is the,  "But God' ...here?" 

The next verse gives the believer one of the greatest "BUT GOD..." of all, when the writer as it were, pulls back the curtain of Heaven to allow these suffering and immature people and us to “see” Gods view, and Gods estimation of these  when he writes, in v 39 - "And ALL THESE , having GAINED APPROVAL through their faith,..." There is the "BUT GOD..." . From our earthly  view it looks like failure...God messed up and forgot His people or was so displeased and disgusted with their failure to stand, He abandoned them- But the Heavenly view was THAT HE WAS SO PLEASED, THAT HE STAMPED HIS APPROVAL- they did stand, in Faith. God did not abandon them but APPROVED them- Gloriously so stamping for all eternity  these wonderful words “all these gained approval…”

“All “ of them "gained approval through their faith."- How often as He says, we tend to look at outward appearances but He sees the heart. To lose a loved one - is not a failure due to prayer, a lack of faith but a coronation, a wonderful “Home-coming” and the desire of the Son being granted- {John 17:21.}  The "BUT GOD..."  WAS HIS APPROVAL. Their pain was not wasted for in pain there was that unseen reality - that God so lauds - faith, be it weak or strong , but tied to Him and entangled around Him... this is the greatest of all "BUT GOD'S..." to somehow, have the Master's Approval. What comfort is found in the words of Hebrews 11:36-39.

A Modern day ...."BUT GOD.."  - He Will come and Comfort you;

No matter how dark the storms or prolonged the "winter"He will come to Comfort you  NO MATTER HOW HIGH THE STORMS OR DARK your "night," in tenderness He will come, through His own, that speaks to you in such a way , you know it's Him.  For only He could have known where your tender  spot was! He will  touch you in a way that is so, so meaningful to you in your time of weakness and fatigue and meet you in such a personal way, it as though the lights go on- He has come  and you know it is Him, for He speaks exactly into where you are, that words cannot explain, and is so meaningful to you- if to know one else- to you it is priceless. Hope!  A ray of sun amidst the clouds.

I cannot tell you how comforted I was by one nurse, who is so, so sweet  and such a wonderful Ambassador of Him , who makes it pleasurable to be sick, {if that could be so}- She is always so polite, cheerful and gracious, and never gives the impression it is her "job" and you are "inconveniencing" her or one more person to "deal " with. Yesterday was no exception. But the words that started my avalanche of tears, perhaps aside from the fatigue and lack of sleep was when she turned to walk out the door, and dropped her head and lowered her voice from her usual bubbly tone to that of somberness, as though she had for a moment dropped her guard and let what she was really thinking come out when she looked at me and said, " I don't see how you can function because of how much pain you are in." You have no idea what comfort those words have meant to me... As one dear saint said upon hearing it, "Finally, someone gets it."

It was so understanding..."Thank You Lord" is all I can say, for someone who took time to recognize, I hurt, and have for a long time. Even, if others don't see it as I have tried so hard to give them my time-{For I have had  so little else to give}- It  has taken so much out of me... but she  understood - "a morsel-" a gift- from Him. So valuable to me, I cannot express.  Another human being, just commiserating with me. I know these are probably more "rambles" and may not be of much help to you {But maybe my writing down my thoughts , may some day be discovered by my children and be a window into my soul in these years, for them to know  my love for them and my fears, and confidence in Him- that God IS good. Though there will be times and are times, when it does not feel good, look good, It will still "work together for good to those who love Him" and my prayer is they know His love and love Him who first loved them, and know with certainty it will work for good because God the lover of their Soul, the High and lifted up Cross of Calvary and the empty tomb and the blessed Resurrection and Ascension testifies it is so and will be so...}.."- 

What that dear nurse said, as a dear care giver was as a healing balm to me, a sweet gift from Above... you have no idea. Somebody understood.  Not questions- simply understanding - can be such a gift to give someone. What a great gift, you can give to someone today, to sit with them and not even have to say a word- your presence enough - and not to  want to have your questions answered to satisfy your own curiosity- But to Give... to lay aside your wanting to understand for understanding sake but simply to gift them- ... understanding. Some times the greatest of all messages are ones without words, the ability given of God to be able to "...weep with those who weep and  - laugh with those who laugh" Simple identification that can only come from Him and is often only learned in the furnace of affliction and when we truly learn to love and "not to look out for own interest only, But also the interest's of OTHERS." 

 PLEASE pray for Cindee and Mary, John-Keith, Noah, Evan and Isaiah. I know my ordeal has taken its tole on each of them . Things have become so "normal" for them in some ways. Yet hard!  My prayer for them is  found in Ephesians 3 that they would "know"- experientially know- what is the breadth and length and height and depth,  of  the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that they may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

 God bless and thanks for hanging in there with us and remembering us before His Throne.

In seeing the Dr. yesterday and  he did not want to go down an avenue that I have just began to notice , though Cindee says they have- as he wants so much for what he is trying to do work... If I can just remember  there is always a sweet and final "BUT GOD..."  Pray I can keep my mind on Him... and my heart breaks for my children- so pray for them.

    "We didn't count on suffering,

    We didn't count on the pain

    But if the blessings in the valley..."-

Then Lord my prayer is;

 “Give me grace and joy in the valley to look to help others who are also here with me, whom You know and care about. Let me represent You and offer them hope in their own valleys.” True to others it may not seem a big deal , but to the one who is hurting and in pain and suffering be assured dear reader; God Knows, God Cares and God will Come to you; for no valleys is so deep that He is not already present and He will come and in the valley He will bless you with Himself that you may present or remind others of Him. How wonderful are the valleys, Painful? Yes! But the privilege to come out of the valley  and comfort those who are in valleys. Preparation for greater usefulness to others is often learned in the valley_{1 Peter 5:10}

The Medical plan is a three prong attack to try and get restful sleep, Reduce the narcotics and  the use of oxygen at night to try and deal with the chronic pain.and for the health of my muscles which are inflamed throughout my body. Tomorrow I start another regiment of medicine for "severe pain"  - take only if needed" The directions say....to go with the other pain medicines. I nearly laughed yesterday at the Doctor as he said we would  go back to ones we had tried before to see if they would help- My laughter not to him- For he is one of Gods "choice" blessings for me- a dear precious brother- But I thought- The Makers need to go back to the patent.. because "Take for severe pain"...may be on the label but I am still waiting for it to kick in and give some relief  ...  Give me some M and M'S  at least they are enjoyable! {lol- I think :)}

You are loved- Rev 1:5

God's richest blessings to you and yours and may He encourage your heart today that you may in turn comfort and encourage His.

Because , God is Good

 your friend

Aidan